The Rover-Landers of BC

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that;
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

A guy walks into a bar in the middle of nowhere in wales, everyone inside goes silent and just stares at the stranger,
the chap walks calmley up to the barman and asks for a lager in a broad canadian accent, bar man says where ya from,
man says canada, barman says what ya do in canada? chap says im a taxidermist, barman says whats a taxidermist, chap
says i mount animals,


barman says loudly IT'S ALRIGHT BOYS HE'S ONE OF US.

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that

Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity.

To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...


So I switched the heads."

:lol:
Anyone looking for a hobby that requires absolutely no skill, might want to consider the below. You know just something to break up the day so to speak....
You know who you are now.......!

Rick, Greg, Victor, JD..........




BANNED FROM WAL-MART
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least---

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

From my dear friend Dave H who lives in the back hills surrounding Victoria.

Cheers
Derek
Victoria. BC

































8) 8)

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle a and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

:D As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not
stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe
and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the
side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I
assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to
weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home
& The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the
lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was
opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers
saying to another, 'Lard Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
This one was sent to me by my good friend Pete, who lives in the sticks in Sooke.

Cheers
Derek N
110 Land Rover

This one from our pal Gerry in Prince George...

Billy Connolly goes to the Proctologist

Click to view video.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress...

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a Land Rover mechanic!

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error with the grade".

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the Land Rover engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you the extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen that done before in my entire career!” :shock:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.

Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off 'What's
wrong?' he asks. ...............
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?

A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge ancient tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid
down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away inDuncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

A couple has a dog that snores. The woman takes the dog to their vet, who
tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop
snoring. “Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering
to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of bright red ribbon and
ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is more than amazed that it worked. The next night, the husband
comes home late after being out late with his buddies. He climbs into bed,
falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of dark blue
ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on
him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in
the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, “I don’t know
where we were or what we did last night, but by God,

we got first and second place!”

A plane was on its way to Toronto, when a Blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to first class & sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, & asks to see her ticket. She tell the Blonde that she paid for economy class & that she will have to sit in the back.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit & tells the pilot & the co-pilot that their is a Blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy, & won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the Blonde & tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leaves & return to here seat.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this Blonde who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, " You say she's a Blonde? I'll handle this , I'm married to a Blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the Blonde & whispers in her ear, & she says "OH I'm sorry," & gets up & goes back to here seat in economy.

The flight attendant & co-pilot are amazed & ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, First class isn't going to Toronto!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.



He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.



He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.



No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.



She gasps.





He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

LMFAO...

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

:lol: A good one from my cousin in England :lol:


GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'Racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you

something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D :D :D
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a: